“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.”
Perhaps as humans, our souls are steeped in abandonment having left Heaven for Earth. And perhaps it is also the deeper condition of womanhood throughout the Ages. And then, the legacy of certain families, like mine, through time.
I ponder this as I fall to sleep in the afternoon sun, waking to my mother’s arms as she hands over the child she has borne.
Two decades later and my sister does the same.
Who is it that is abandoned? The adopted child? Or the mother, childless now?
My walk with abandonment is distinct from theirs. At 16, I abandon two pregnancies and approaching 30, two abandon me.
A long-awaited son, born Caesarean, is separated from me after birth. That single hour– apart– is the longest I’ve ever ached for anything.
But it is only now, at 46, as I glimpse the playground of the Gods, that I realize how tightly I hold the hand of my Restraint, fearing the wild abandon.
I’ve bumped up against this fear before. Each time my life begins to open.
This morning, as I walk in delight up the road toward my special space and loose my mind within the still waters there, I feel myself squeeze the hand of my Restraint.
Hold on, I chide. Hold on!
And so I ask, Why? Why, in the depths of such GREAT JOY, do you pick up the hand of Restraint?
And I remember. The moment. The one after which I choose Safety over Play. Protection over Expansion. Caution over Delight.
It is my last FULL moment of Innocence. About to be swept away by the first wave of… Death.
Strange that we, abandoned to Earth, hold to it so tightly that we miss the opportunity to have Heaven everywhere.
(This is the first–in what is to become a series of pieces on “Lila“~the last excavation of pain from my life. To see piece II, click here. )