Crap, I Need a Job

That’s a bad title, I know, but it’s where I’m at–and I don’t know where else to turn–but here, to my blogs, where I make everything make sense.

This time may be the exception. We’ll see.

This is how I write. I start with a leading thought like–Crap, I Need a Job–and then I follow it.

Sometimes the lead is a sprinter and I can’t keep up with the thoughts. Other times it’s steady and calm, and we flow together effortlessly. Some leads start and then stop, and then start again–And I have to wait and wonder and listen.

(Van Gogh, visipix.com)

Today’s lead-in makes a statement, like–Crap, I Need a Job–and then, it’s dead silent.  And I’m not sure.  Is there more to that? Should I really be making a post out of this?

A lead-in like this might want to play hide and seek–and so I’m forced to go looking deep into the woods of my own psyche for the next line.

Okay, I’ve just found the first:

I’ve failed.

I have failed to make it self-employed.

But that’s not exactly true. During my first year, I made as much money working for myself as I did at a job–and it was a lot more interesting. Only it felt the same inside.  Driven. So I backed off–seeking greater equilibrium.

And guess what?  I found it.

I found it blogging. And I birthed several blogs and fed them all–without concern–and with great joy.

Except that I wasn’t making money. So I had to make money in other ways. Which I did.  And I continue to do. But lately, not as successfully, and definitely not with the sense of internal ease which is vital to how I want to live my life.

Second find:

I’m not successful.

Which is funny because I’ve been successful in every other job I’ve ever had in my life– the restaurant, the classrooms, the non-profits. Why can’t I succeed at this then?

Answer: Because I don’t exactly know what I’m after.

But that isn’t exactly true either.  I have discovered SO much of what I’m after and I have redefined that again and again–from the inside. But not only does my writing require focus and time, it needs peace of mind.

Third find:

FEAR.

I’m afraid of being employed outside of myself again.  I’ve probably done every part-time job available to a college graduate who is putting her children first.

Confirmation: While my employment status is negotiable, my commitment to parenting is not.

Finding such clarity again feels good. And it’s not like we’re not “making it.” We are.  It’s just getting harder than we want it to be–especially in these last years with our kids at home.

Exhale.

4th find:

It’s okay.

It’s okay to want to have a job so that there’s extra money for awhile. It’s alright. It really is. It’s not giving up. It’s choosing. It’s still choosing. Choosing from the inside. Choosing ease over angst.

Idea: What if I let my insides lead as I look for a job? (Instead of my head.) How might that feel different?

5th find:

It’s all one.

There’s finally less of “this” and “that” in my life–as everything I love merges together.  Can I let even–Crap, I Need a Job–be part of the “conversation” in all that is important to me?

6th find:

I can.

(Note: This post is yet another in the “Life’s Purpose” collection.)