God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow in them.
Wow, what a month!
From the 21 day liver cleanse… to my sister’s emergency surgery…to my new job… to the sudden decision to transfer my son back to 4th grade.
And now…it’s Christmas!
Also, my dead mother’s birthday.
And top ALL of that with an out of the blue communication from my highschool sweetheart asking me to remove a post from my blog. Nothing else. No greeting. No Happy Christmas.
When I get down on myself (or on life) because things aren’t going smoothly, despite the Immaculate Conception of so much of what I want, I think back to Mary.
I see her 9 months pregnant on that donkey, and I’m sure that she is experiencing discomfort (not to mention fear and second-guessing)–despite her clear alignment with Spirit.
Which brings me back to my own alignment with my new work. It’s been HARD. I’ve had to stretch further than I ever imagined to reach my dreams. I’ve gone to sleep many a night frightened and anxious. I’ve spent much of my days aggravated.
This doesn’t seem at all aligned with Spirit.
But if I can’t recognize Spirit in my life, in the presence of struggle, what good am I?
Is there perhaps something richer going on? Could the fact that I have never found complete satisfaction, in any role, let alone this Immaculately Conceived one, point toward a deeper alignment?
Is is possible that I can choose to feel the ease and simplicity and joy I want, no matter what is happening around me? Is that my only true choice, given that the “outside” is always “outside” my control?
Do I need my mind’s permission to be satisfied? (My mind is a erratic compass upon which to direct my joy.)
Perhaps this Immaculate Conception is less about a perfect fit and more about coming to know the true source of my light.
Sometimes, I have so much light that I can’t imagine that others are dim. Take my husband for example. I never realized that he had such little Christmas Spirit until my own was diminished and I look toward him for replenishment. But there’s nothing there.
How have I never noticed this before?
Did he choose me because I had so much light to spare?
When I look back on my life, I see that circumstances dictated darkness, but in fact, I have always tapped the light–beyond circumstance.
Why do I expect the light to work differently now? Why do I rely on “situation” to determine my peace of mind?
Not wanting to leave YOU in the darkness of so many questions, I choose to close with another’s light; it’s the light of words from long ago–words that despite my lack of religious attachment, bring me inexplicable joy.
And It Came to Pass
And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David.)
To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
And so it was , that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered .
And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes , and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field , keeping watch over their flock by night.
And, lo , the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid .
And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold , I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes , lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying , Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
(The Gospel According to St. Luke, 2)
It is the beauty of this language, transcending the struggle, that brightens me; just as this next piece of inspired writing does, written not so long ago~
Jo was the first to wake in the gray dawn of Christmas morning. No stockings hung at the fireplace, and for a moment she felt as much disappointed as she did long ago, when her little sock fell down because it was crammed so full of goodies. Then she remembered her mother’s promise and, slipping her hand under her pillow, drew out a little crimson-covered book. She knew it very well, for it was that beautiful old story of the best life ever lived, and Jo felt that it was a true guidebook for any pilgrim going on a long journey. She woke Meg with a “Merry Christmas,” and bade her see what was under her pillow. A green-covered book appeared, with the same picture inside, and a few words written by their mother, which made their one present very precious in their eyes. Presently Beth and Amy woke to rummage and find their little books also, one dove-colored, the other blue, and all sat looking at and talking about them, while the east grew rosy with the coming day.
(from Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott, 1832-1888)
Merry Christmas ALL,