Too Much of a Good Thing?

Schrieck, visipix.com

Several years ago, I realized that I was missing. After more than a decade as a wife and mother, I couldn’t locate my own pulse.  When my youngest turned 5, I knew it was time.

“I have a good life,” I said to a group of women around a fire, “Two beautiful children, a wonderful partner, a strong community… but it isn’t enough.”

“We can’t have everything, Kelly,” said another mother, “We have to be grateful…”

“But I want it ALL,” I replied.

I spent the next few years in search of what was missing.

And guess what?

I found it.

I emptied a book-case, cleared a desk, set up chairs, bought a table–and created an office just for me.

At first I was a writer, and then because I was afraid it (or I?) wasn’t enough, I added life coaching, and then dance. Soon I was offering workshops and retreats and classes.

Next I explored activism, and blogging, and travel. I participated in rallies, joined an online writer’s group, and facilitated an international conference in Chile.

I began avoiding my office…

Most recently, I committed to a year-long yoga teacher training program, hoping that it would help deepen me into that which I have. When I returned home after the first weekend of training, I was overwhelmed by how much work lie ahead. “Where am I going to put all these books?” I said to my husband.

“Well, you can’t put them in your office,” he said, “It’s already overcrowded.”

I took a look. I can’t remember the last time I really worked in there. The horizontal surfaces are piled with debris; and underneath it all, I find binders and bins and boxes filled with the endeavors I embraced along the way… to me.

Only now, they’re so heavy, I can’t breathe.

At the end of that first weekend of training, we’re asked to come up with a year-long Master Project and share it with the group. I’m shocked by what I choose, and almost heartbroken by what I don’t–not a single one of my new-found passions or even the book that I “just had to write” last year.

I tell my classmates that what I want to accomplish is this:

…playing with my son.

Kelly Salasin, January 2012

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