Several years ago, I realized that I was missing. After more than a decade as a wife and mother, I couldn’t locate my own pulse. When my youngest turned 5, I knew it was time.
“I have a good life,” I said to a group of women around a fire, “Two beautiful children, a wonderful partner, a strong community… but it isn’t enough.”
“We can’t have everything, Kelly,” said another mother, “We have to be grateful…”
“But I want it ALL,” I replied.
I spent the next few years in search of what was missing.
And guess what?
I found it.
I emptied a book-case, cleared a desk, set up chairs, bought a table–and created an office just for me.
At first I was a writer, and then because I was afraid it (or I?) wasn’t enough, I added life coaching, and then dance. Soon I was offering workshops and retreats and classes.
Next I explored activism, and blogging, and travel. I participated in rallies, joined an online writer’s group, and facilitated an international conference in Chile.
I began avoiding my office…
Most recently, I committed to a year-long yoga teacher training program, hoping that it would help deepen me into that which I have. When I returned home after the first weekend of training, I was overwhelmed by how much work lie ahead. “Where am I going to put all these books?” I said to my husband.
“Well, you can’t put them in your office,” he said, “It’s already overcrowded.”
I took a look. I can’t remember the last time I really worked in there. The horizontal surfaces are piled with debris; and underneath it all, I find binders and bins and boxes filled with the endeavors I embraced along the way… to me.
Only now, they’re so heavy, I can’t breathe.
At the end of that first weekend of training, we’re asked to come up with a year-long Master Project and share it with the group. I’m shocked by what I choose, and almost heartbroken by what I don’t–not a single one of my new-found passions or even the book that I “just had to write” last year.
I tell my classmates that what I want to accomplish is this:
…playing with my son.
Kelly Salasin, January 2012