the DARK in me…

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.

—Carl Jung

I’ve been expecting this post ever since I first discovered–hate–living inside–of me.

But it didn’t come.

Instead, posts like these arrived:  I Hate You, and  The Things I Hate.

And then, after I used a photograph from my latest post: The Toilet Bowl, as my Facebook profile, and received profoundly disturbed comments from friends, I knew that I was on to something bigger.

I just didn’t know if I could deliver.

But I’ll try. Here. With you:

…Years ago, when I first discovered yoga, it gave me the biggest, blushing high; but later, it was more hit and miss–sometimes releasing inexplicable anger instead of joy. I blamed it on my damn neck. It had always been so tight.

But now I realize that it wasn’t my neck’s fault that yoga made me mad. My neck was simply releasing that which had been stored inside it for so long:

Unexpressed venom.

In my life; in my conception of myself in my life, there wasn’t room for ugliness…. so I stuffed it in or covered it up with something else.

All these years later, I’m much more aware of and accepting of my feelings (a wise therapist helps), but there are still some “unbiddens of old” lurking in the shadows. I mask them with anxiety or numbness, and if they still creep out, I label them as bad or wrong, even though I only strengthen them in doing so.

In that first yoga session, twenty years ago, I awkwardly practiced the classic Sanskrit closing: Namaste.  At the end of each class, we yogis turned toward one another and toward our teacher–bringing our hands to our hearts–bowing lovingly with a word that meant: The light in me greets the light in you.

How nice to live in the light!  How nice to be above all those who don’t.

There was once class, however, when my teacher did not end with Namaste, but instead added something else, translated as, The darkness in me greets the darkness in you.

This sounded like something from Star Wars; and I didn’t get it; though all these years later, it means so much to me.

Though I’ve never been able to track down that Sanskrit expression about the dark, I’ve discovered a fuller meaning for Namaste.

More than “light,” Namaste addresses the “spirit” or the “oneness” in each other.

When we honor that Oneness, no doubt we must include both the dark and the light.

And so, it is, that I greet the darkness in myself–again–and in doing so pay homage to your own darkness, in the hope that we can each see our own shit, and love it into consciousness.

Kelly Salasin, April 12, 2012

3 thoughts on “the DARK in me…

  1. Kelly,

    You are reaching deep within and that is a good thing. The problem as I see it is . . . if you dig real deep and pull out what you consider to be the rabbit in the hat and instead find it to be something totally different, what a truly odd moment could arise. This is usually the beginning of new explorations to find out how that got into the abyss and not something that you thought was already there.

    Your thoughts are provoking many things in my inner being. That is a good thing to say the least. But, it is through your own self discovery that I find my own ‘self’ questioning the true meaning of where did this come from? and making excuses for why now it might have arrived. It is sort of when your spirit guide allows you to open a door that was once not there that you find something wonderful or disturbing (one in the same in many people’s minds) that you will be able to use in the future or learn not to be so inquisitive in the future and leave things as they were for other folks to uncover about ourselves.

    Thanks for sharing. I am passing this along to my wife who also sees things in a humorous way rather than wrestling with them just because she can get her arms around them. She has become a lightning rod for me when wondering if I can fix things just to keep me honest when things go bad. We balance each other that way I guess.

    Life is an unfolding pathway . . . one that everyone travels at their own pace. By doing your daily routine you are creating a story for yourself. A very good thing. Keep it up, we may all see things that we have only wondered about in our passing of time.


  2. Kelly, thank you for letting us see the dark in you lately. The darkness in me sees and respects the darkness in you.


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