Last night I wrote about the loss of innocence–something that can surprisingly still happen at my age. This morning I woke thinking back to my first loss, and the ensuing ones after–wondering if a timeline might reveal something–about who I am and how I want to be.
In selecting my history, I discovered that it was hard to distinguish between the loss of innocence and simple heartbreak. As I traveled through time, the searing heartache of the past week returned–climaxing at the defining loss of my life (large-texted below), and smoldering where it ended–in the excruciating initiation in which I find myself now.
It’s embarrassing to admit my innocence here–the shock that my writing is incendiary; the hurt of being thought selfish when I come from a place of healing, devotion and love; the unfairness of being labeled arrogant because I’m willing to teach and to lead, despite self doubt.
In my ever need to be “savior,” it kills me to be assigned “villain.” And so it is, that another layer of innocence is seared away, and what is left is the cold reminder that I am not the apple in everyone’s eye, no matter how “good” I try to be. Duh.
This sobering truth offers a precious freedom–not defined by what others perceive–whether with praise or condemnation; but at a painful cost–the death of illusion.
In my heartbreak timeline below, you’ll find the loss of pets, the hurt of betrayal, and the shock of mortality–just as you might in your own. My loss of innocence is also shaped by being misunderstood, and that is a layer that I’m quite ready to burn.
My Timeline of Heartbreak
Pet turtle died
New classmates pinched me
Watching my mother labor
Next-door neighbor’s father died of a heart attack in his sleep
My aunt didn’t show up for our special date
Schoolmate’s family died in a house fire
My inability to bring my sister’s decapitated rabbit back to life
Licorice’s kitten killed by a truck
Best friend’s sister tried to commit suicide
Soldier Blue at the drive-in
My mother drinking in the middle of the day
Falling asleep to the sound of my parents screaming
I ran away from home (a few blocks) and no one came to find me
Breaking my arm and no one caring
The Viet Nam War on TV
My mother’s tears when we left Colorado
My mother’s banishment
Adjusting to a new school and a new home without a mother
My father getting drunk
My best friend’s stepfather molesting her
~The accident that took my grandmother’s life~
Stealing/drinking a beer at summer camp/facing being expelled
Roots, the mini-series
Love=lovemaking=unwanted pregnancy
Extended family affairs/divorces/remarriages
The dissolution of my own family
Loss of intimacy with my father
Loss of family home
Siblings separated by my mother’s drinking
Loss of access to siblings
First love betrayal
Strength labeled as bitchiness
Recurring rejection by life partner
A misunderstanding with a dear friend
First real job
Work focus mistaken as snobbery
Sibling relationship strife due to faith differences
Learning that love doesn’t always make the difference
My best friend getting drunk on our wedding night
Visiting my mother at Rehab
Loosing sense of identity when slide show summed up life: “Hero Child”
Operation Desert Shield, televised
Love=Marriage=Miscarriage
Burning out as a teacher
Carefully planned homebirth=emergency C-Section
First playgroup
My brother-in-law’s 1st affair
Relationship breaks with new family
Recurring relationship breaks with sibling
9/11
Getting a Mini-van
Removal of the rose colored glasses on my childhood
The disappearance of roads after the flood
Realizing that my family was fractured
~Doubting my life’s work…
(Your turn.)
Kelly Salasin, Imbolc, 2012
a gift for you in the loss of your own innocence
for Brigid’s Day
Two Owls Calling 